so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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