Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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