I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
