I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
