woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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