Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
