made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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