I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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