You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
