nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
is wine microwaveable?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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