I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
