this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
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He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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