Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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