O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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