I just threw up on my dentist
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
