Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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