you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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