This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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