Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
