Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
