One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
