things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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