Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
