I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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