He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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