Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
