A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
