Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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