At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
