just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Green mimosas i think yes
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
