What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I forget how to act sober
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