Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
