She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
