I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
