a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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