i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
