I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
