dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
