My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
