So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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