you guys were way drunker than both of me
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
