I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
This toilet bowl is my home.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
