Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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