Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
