god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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