I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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