Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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