i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
