So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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