watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
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in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
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I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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