The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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