someone threw a dead crab at me
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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